New and Improved Music Theory

Sorry the pictures are so faint. You'll have to click on them to enlarge them in order to read what they say. Or, maybe there's a Visine for that. :)

Music Theory

Let's face it. Music pretty much sucks these days. Rock & Roll in particular seems to have lost it's edge. Actually, the edge is still there. However, the problem is that not enough people are getting into it.

What is it about today's music scene that makes it as bland and craptacular as it is? Is there a way to pinpoint just where we went wrong? I think I can sum it up in one word: microphones.

You see, back when rock still had that raw energy, you could see it in the way the lead singers used the microphones. They weren't just arbitrarily singing into it. They were clutching it, swinging it around, screaming their souls into it. Really, that grandiose mike stand was a huge phallic symbol with which these guys would exert their raw savage masculinity through every note they sang.

But it wasn't just the men who could do this. There were women exerting this energy too, although slightly differently. In their case, instead of the microphone stand being an extention of a phallus (which they of course didn't have) rather it seemed more like they were grasping the phallus before them. Instead of backing away from that pillar of virility, they embraced it, took hold of it, played with it, brought it right up to their faces and spent their pent-up sexual energy on it.

Actually, some spent so much of this energy that they callapsed.

{Of course, in Freddy Murcury's case, he combined both these theories into one. ;) }

However, now let's take a look at some of the modern pop stars. Note the small microphone attached to their heads. No longer is it a towering phallus permeating the audience with it's raw energy. Instead, it's more like a tiny clitoris attached to the face thereby making the artist look like a giant pussy. Unfortunately, the worst part is that for some reason we've allowed these giant pussies to become huge superstars and thus make the entire musical landscape suffer for it.

Oh, of course some people will comment here saying "they need those tiny mikes so they can sing while doing choereography." No, they shouldn't NEED to do choreography. If I made up a silly dance that accompanied a jackhammer chiselling up the street would it make that jackhammer sound any better? NO! The same way elaborate choreography doesn't hide how crappy or pussified a song is.

Anyway, that's my music theory. If I left out a picture of your favourite (or least favourite) artist, I sincerely apologize. Feel free to mention him/her in the comments section.