Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Tonya Suricova

Ah, there she is. A true vision of loveliness. She could easily charm the judges of every beauty
pageant around. She's classic Bridget Bardot, current Hayden Panettiere, and a young Loretta Swit all rolled into one. In other words, a prefect specimen of humanoid known as femininus
makinme-erectus. And, as a topper.................. she technically doesn't exist.

Y'see, starting last summer, I got suckered in by one of the oldest scams on the internet (not 100% fooled, but enough for it to be embarrassing). It's the one where some Russian girl writes lovely letter after letter to you claiming to be deeply in love with you. Then when you think
you are actually involved the most perfect soul mate you could ever have, she hits you up for money. Here's her email address: Have some fun with that if you like.
Thankfully for me, I caught on to the scam before she asked for money, so when the pitch came I was relatively ready to deal with it. I could have easily saved face and said on here "oh yeah, I knew it all the time". But, no, I feel I should be honest and say that I did indeed fall for it at first.
Here's the first letter I got from her:


First of all I would like to tell that I am very glad that have

received your letter, probably I answer you with delay but

nevertheless I am glad that I have now possibility to write to you the


I wish to warn to you about my language. I badly write in this

language, but I can speak freely! It is I native language so do not

laugh at that that I write, simply understand an essence of the


I wish to tell about myself. I was born in 1980, in small settlement

under the name "Lapsary"

Now I work in a city, every morning I rise very much early and meal

for work!

I live with Mum, it not so old, vigorous and cheerful...

I not so sentimental, but nevertheless am the whims as well as any

person!!! To me dialogue with that person which is pleasant wishes to

communicate with me! I love when to me there is an attention when to

me talk, than that are interested, so I hope for that that you will

learn about me, asking me about that as I live than I am engaged!

I think and I hope for that that at us with you to develop interesting

and pleasant dialogue!

It you already know my name Antonina. I did not go into details that

means my name, me it is simple does not interest! As my name is

reduced, it is possible to name me Tonya, this easiest name so you me

can name so!! As regards interest I have more to like sports! I like

to go in for sports, these are morning jogs, gymnastics, fitness!! I

consider that sports, supports body health, and counterbalances a

spiritual condition of the person!!! I when did not smoke, I do not

drink alcohol, only on rare holidays, and it is not enough!

I can tell to you about the parents if you have a desire once, about

my childhood and in general about me as about the person, it will be

possible to you interestingly!

With you I wish to begin dialogue and to reach such level, that we

could meet you! I the Internet I search for the person with which to

me it will be easy to communicate, to which I will approach as second

half, the companion on a life, the husband!!!!

I to you have told it because I want that we have got acquainted with

you and have learnt each other better. I as want that also you to me

have told about yourself as much as possible, you can believe in that

that it will be interesting to me to learn about it!!!!

Now I will finish the letter as I hope for your answer, as soon as

possible, tomorrow I to a smog to answer you, and now I leave!

All kind!

I wait your letter...

Good-bye... Tonya:)

Quite a catch, eh? A sweet simple girl from a remote village who believes in keeping a trim figure. What's not to like? By the way, the big city she claims to be working in is Cheboksary, a city on the west bank of the Volga River. You want to know how hard I fell for this girl? Here's what she accidentally put in one of her letters:

It is a pity to me, that we

not together now and cannot transfer each other a happiness kiss. I love you mine Jeff.

I asked about this Jeff person. Was she being unfaithful already? Here's how she explained herself:

My dear, and I unless did not write to you, that Jeff it is my

invented character whom I represented when still was the young girl. I

am simple in the childhood looked one old film and to me one filmstar

whom called Jeff was remembered. He was very beautiful and I have

started to name since then beautiful men Jeff. My girlfriends know

about it as I told it about it, but it seemed to me, that I and to you

spoke about it. If I did not speak to you about it I am sorry. You

probably have thought, that I have gone mad and I do not know that I


I fully believed that horse-shit. I even looked for that movie online in the hopes that I could surprise her with one of her "childhood memories". Hell, I'd watch an old Russian movie about a handsome guy named Jeff. Why not?
At this point, I should also mention that this became our song of sorts. Sing along if you know it.

Also, just like in the song, the moon became our symbol. Even though we're so very far apart, we can still look at the moon and think of each other. Anyway, things continued on in that rather friendly style for just a bit, but then quickly turned absolutely lovey-dovey on both our parts:

Hello my loved David.

I am very glad, again to see your letter. Your words warm to me my

soul. I am assured that your words could to melt ice. If you were with

me nearby, I when would not feel a cold.

My favourite, I miss on you. Day has passed quickly so I at all have

not noticed, that round me occurred, as on work it was necessary to

work a little.

If you knew my favourite as I have become bored of you. I all time

only also think of us. I cannot think of what. I am happy as never

earlier. You my loved and gentle. You as a beam of the sun which

shines my way and I go on this way to the treasured purpose.

I will send you the post address: streets Papanina Cheboksary 20/1. I

saw, that at you some teeth has been removed. I will be happy to look

today at the moon and to represent, that now you nearby and we can

reach hands. I hope, that all ours with you dreams become once a


I wish to tell to you, that my love to you, does not pass and cannot

pass. After I have fallen in love with you it cannot pass! No! It will

not pass! It comes imperceptibly: creeps behind, falls on a head from

the sky, traps behind a corner, pines for years and does not find an

exit … it it is not visible, but it everywhere …

In each smile, each gesture, a sight, a voice … she cannot be touched

and realised, but its presence a lung, as a web, as bright and

infectious laughter of the kid, as rays round eyes, as a mum's voice,

as a summer decline or aroma of July night with hum of night bugs and

a rustle of coastal canes, as hardly touched by pads of water measures

a lake surface, as heavy drops of a summer downpour, as a cool of

night, as a fog, as the Milky Way in the pure southern night sky, as

an autumn leaf fall in windless weather with leaves silently falling

and rustling underfoot, as the snowfall which has found the driver on

night on a way to a city, as an easy touch dtnhf, running on streams

of hair …

The love fills our dreams, the deep thoughts, the latent desires,

madnesses of a youth and slow wisdom of a maturity.

Without love does not begin and any our day does not come to an end,

any act does not remain without its invariable presence, the love

calms and warms minutes of excitement and alarm, helping to find

harmony and to feel sincere comfort …... We cannot without love for

the life loses sense and a direction of the current when the love

leaves us.

… and the most important thing - without love it is impossible to

understand, that such HAPPINESS!

I have understood, that such happiness!

It when you write happiness to me!

When I come to Internet cafe and I read your letters!

When we will speak on the phone with you are a happiness!

Happiness when we with you, at last, will embrace, each other and we

will feel, each other, will feel heat of our bodies. I many times

represented ours with you a meeting! Our meeting will be that

sensation of happiness, euphoria which I never saw, but felt!

How you think?

It will be, as I have described?

I will wait for your answer …

Yours forever Tonya!!!!!!

Whew! It sure got hot in here all of a sudden. I highlighted that address she gave me in that
letter for emphasis. I asked her for it so that I could send her a gift or two maybe. Besides being a nice thing to do, I figured that I'd better confirm that address' legitimacy before I fully believe if she is for real or not. That's why I held off telling anybody about this until now. Regrettably, as a gesture of good faith, in order to get that address form her, I thought I could build a bit of trust by giving her mine. DOH!!!
Don't bother checking out that address. It doesn't exist. I emailed an actual resident of Cheboksary and he assured me that there was no such street in Cheboksary or the little village of Lapsary. But, I really found out just how fake that address was when I actually tried to send a few things to her. She even "warned" me that the mail service was absolutely terrible in Russia and that I shouldn't even try (one of the many red flags I should have recognized right away). I tried at first with the regular mail, but that package just went nowhere.
Then I tried it with UPS where I could get a tracking number.
Apparently, that package went all the way to Nizhny Novgorod and then stopped. That's when suspicion really started to set in.
I started checking out websites that gave tips on finding out if these Russian girls are scammers or not. One thing many of the sites said is that if she insists that you do NOT visit her in her country first, that is all the proof you need that she's a schemer. Sure enough, here's a passage from one of her emails:

I speak about the arrival to you because I cannot accept you here at me.

The tradition which exists many centuries does not allow me to make

it. By tradition the girl in the beginning should visit the man whom

she loves, only then the man with the girl can arrive to the house of

parents of the girl. I cannot break this tradition as if I will break

it for my family it will be a shame. All inhabitants will turn away

from us. I do not want it. My mum will not sustain this shame, and I

worry about her health. I do not want, that she worried in this


Does this tradition exist anywhere in Russia, or anywhere in the world for that matter? Well, just like that Jeff story, I was so fooled by the entire ruse that I actually believed this tall tale as well.
Of course this is pretty good proof, but I wanted a smoking gun, lots of smoking guns if possible. The sites suggested that I also track the IP address of every email using this website. In this case, if the IP leads to an internet cafe in Cheboksary, Russia then she's legit. Well, I tracked the IP's of all the emails from then on. Not a one came from someplace
anywhere near Cheboksary. They mostly came from places in the United
States like Fort Myers, Florida or Spokane, Washington, and even
Washington D.C. Every once in a while an IP would pop up from France. But, one location that kept popping up was Yoshkar-Ola, a city in Russia across the Volga River from Cheboksary. (I half suspect the culprit lives there, but I never did find out for sure).
But, of course, the big red flag signal that she was only trying to scam money out of me came in the form of this email:

Hello my love David!

As I am glad, that you have written me the fine words. I am glad to

read your letter. My heart knocks very quickly as worries that we is

fast with you we will meet. All ours with you dreams will come true.

You really prince of my heart, the one who has managed me to tame the

beauty and the sight. My dear I love you, our lives at last in road

fortunately which we will create together with you. You see, my love,

we are not separated any more by any secrets, we should divide all

together. All good and bad. Then do not doubt informing me on all

thoughts. No shyness should exist now between us.

My darling, I have visited travel agency and we searched for the

cheapest ticket to you. It costs 1400 dollars. I have been puzzled and

surprised by this sum. It is not enough my savings to pay ticket cost

as from that sum of money which I took on credit in bank for

registration of my documents, there were only 400 dollars. I did not

think, that it will cost so much in comparison with registration of my

documents. I thought, that registration of the visa and other

documents necessary for me for a trip to you will cost more

expensively than the ticket, but all has turned out differently. I do

not have such sum of money. I can pay only for a ticket part, but it

is more at me there are no means. To me any more from whom to wait

support. I can hope only for your help my darling. I hope, that you

will manage to find means that I could arrive to you. It not too is a

lot of, that then we were for ever together. I am afflicted, that I

have enough means that we could be together. I so long waited for ours

with you of a meeting and now when there was very little I I can not

arrive to you as I do not have not enough means for a start to you my

love. In my head it is so much thoughts bad and good. I become angry

that I till now not with you. I love you and always loved. I think of

you every day. All my dreams about us with you.

I each time re-read your letters. I require your sincere words and

love which you to me have presented. I wish to hear, as you speak to

me "I love you" in a reality. I am grateful to you for your drawing.

It is fine also I is not confused absolutely not by it, as you for me

as the husband to whom I trust the life and the love. My heart in your

hands. I hope for your support and I think, that you can help me. I

will wait from you your letter my darling.

My darling, I love you very strongly. I embrace and I kiss you. I give

you all the tenderness and love.

Yours for ever Tonya.

That was the first big pinch she put on me. Lucky for me I was on to her by this time so I was
now better prepared for it. It was then and there that I devised a rather diabolical plan to hopefully reveal the true identity of this scammer, the location and possibly even the name.
You see, one tip from those scamalert websites that stuck with me was "the only sincere part of their letters is the information they give you to wire them some money". So, I thought if that's their only vulnerable spot, then that's where I'll hit 'em.
Here's the information she gave me:

Country: Russia

Republic: Chuvashiya

City: Cheboksary

The postal index: 428000

Name: Antonina

Surname: Syrovatskaya

On November 10 of 2009, I went down to the nearest Moneygram outlet and filled out one of the forms. I put down all the correct information however I "somehow accidentally" put the wrong amount down. She wanted $1400 but all I put was $14. And wouldn't you know it, I forgot to tell her that in my next email to her. So, when she went down to her Moneygram outlet (that being a bank) on November 12, she had trouble receiving my money. I knew this would cause enough of a stir that surely the bankers would remember her. For added insurance, I posted all of the pictures she sent to me on a Flickr account and put the url to that Flickr page in the message part of the money gram. Then, through Money Gram's website, I found that the only place in Cheboksary that deals with moneygrams is the Sviaz Bank. Their phone number was on that site, so I wrote it down and phoned them asking them about this incident. There was only one person there who could speak English and I had to constantly talk slower just for her to understand me. So, she gave me the address of their bank so that I could send a letter to them. I did send them a letter telling them what I did along with a printed out photo of Miss Tonya. She then informed me that no such person had come into the bank on Nov 12 to try to accept any moneygrams at all. That right there was definite proof that Tonya was not in Cheboksary. So, now the $1,000,000 question is: where did she try to pick up this moneygram? Much like Western Union, Money Grams can be received by someone anywhere within the country it was sent to, as long as the receiver knows the reference number. I was later told that Money Grams can be received anywhere in the world. AAAAAAAAAAND, for some crazy reason, they are not allowed to reveal the location of the pick up. I don't understand that. Who are they trying to protect with that rule?
It seems to me that they almost fully intend to enable scammers with their dirty deeds. I guess if they collect their fee from every transaction made, they don't care what sleazy parties are involved. But, really, more of these scammers would be identified and caught if Moneygram (and any other businesses like them) would reverse this policy.
So, I guess Tonya could be anywhere. But, because of my plan, there is still a chance to find this person. Like I mentioned before, me filling out the form wrong caused a big fuss at that Money Gram outlet on November 12 of 2009. I know because she wrote this to me:

You do not represent how many to me it was necessary to stand in turns

to receive your help and as I had to prove to employees of branches

moneygram when to me said, that at you not correct a remittance. You

know as it is a shame to face to a large quantity of the people and to

prove the on correctness.

I'm sure it was a shame, but I'm also sure it was hilarious. Tee hee!
Therefore, I ask anyone reading this who was working at a Money Gram location anywhere in the world on November 12 of 2009, do you remember anyone trying to receive $1400 but failing to do so? If so, that person was and is a filthy scammer. I'm sure her image can be found on any of the security tapes from that day. If you want her, go get her (unless it's a "he", then go get him).
Although I doubt anyone will try to get him because technically no real crime has been committed. Even if I had not only given Tonya the $1400 she asked for but also any other amounts she'd try to squeeze out of me ("Please, my mom is very sick and needs $3000 worth of medicine" etc.), there are no criminal charges that would stick. It's like if a friend
says to you "Quick, give me $50 before my nipples explode!!!" and right away you fill out a cheque for him. Any lawyer will tell you,"No, you're friend's not a crook, you're just an idiot". Hell, if you can be arrested for taking advantage of an idiot, then George W. Bush could be arrested for taking advantage of America for 8 years. (just a joke, everybody)
I feel at this time that I should extend my gratitude towards the good people at the Sviaz Bank in Cheboksary. I don't who it was that I spoke to on the phone, but I do remember that she was very patient, courteous, and above all helpful. If you have an account in that bank, the next time you're there to do business, tell them I said 'hi'.

"Why am I telling you all of this?" you ask. Why would I reveal such an embarrassing anecdote?Well, in my attempt to woo her, I thought it would be a good idea if I drew some pictures of her. I have posted all of them here. I must warn you though, these drawings range from decent to lousy. There are some that I didn't even want to put up. I merely posted them just to be complete. So, down below is a gallary of every drawing of Tonya Suricova I've ever done. Enjoy yourself as much as possible.

Here's my first attempt at drawing her. I was going for an accurate realistic likeness. I thought I had succeeded at the time. Oh well, I kept going.

I tried it again, but this time I started to play around a bit. Here I depicted her as the goddess of love Venus in a clam shell. Since it was quite early in our relationship at this point I had reservations about drawing her naked at this point. I quickly got over it though as you will soon see.

My pet name for her was 'angel'. So, I drew her to look like an angel. I think the feet came out pretty good on this one. I'll say that much for it.
I attempted to make a one of those cheesecake pin up posters you see in novelty stores with bikini clad girls riding on vicious animals. I like the tiger. Tonya still needed work though.

This one I'm proud of. It was drawn to commemorate our 1 month anniversary. There we are making out in Heaven with a very content moon looking down on us with approval. Aint that precious?

She told me that she loves playing basketball. So I drew her winning a tip off with Michael Jordan. Note the woefully off-model drawing of Bugs Bunny. What a maroon! Or, maybe in reference to Mr. Jordan's team, "what a gulli-Bull"!

It doesn't quite look like her, but here she is dressed like Red Hot Riding Hood! ARROOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Yuck! Everything's wrong with this one. The girl doesn't look like Tonya and the guy on the right looks like an ugly statue of John Travolta. Just yuck!
Once again I choked on my caricature of Tonya. It looks like somebody else. Even worse is that my nephew looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. I deserve 7 lashes for this one.

Tonya's pet name for me was "bear cub". So, I drew her with some bears, namely Yogi and Boo Boo. I wish I was Boo Boo right now.

This one was inevitable. Since she's Russian, I just had to draw me as Boris Badenov and her as Natasha Fatale trying to "keell moose and squirrel". Sorry, Russia. No matter how much of a badass you try to be on the world stage, no matter how many countries you try to invade or whatever, the rest of the world will imagine all of you trying to "keell moose and squirrel" and laugh. You can't stop it. Jay Ward has cursed you forever. Hokey smoke!

In her letters, she told me that she likes doing gymnastics. So here she is on a balance beam (with a very stubby left arm) doing just that.
This one got her. I drew her in a wedding dress and said, "someday that'll be you". She melted. But, really, what woman WOULDN'T melt after seeing a drawing of themselves like this? Well, maybe someone like Elizabeth Taylor or Cher who say, "Been there. Done that. *yawn*"

In one of the letters I mentioned that there's a pool hall near my place. She expressed interest in learning the game when she flies over to see me. So there's what's supposed to be me showing her how the game is played. I think it looks more like my friend Kipp. Maybe that's because I secretly want to be him (and who doesn't?).

For a change of pace, I tried my hand at drawing one of her friends. I think I came pretty close to capturing her likeness, but not close enough.

I returned to the Yogi and Boo Boo idea. Here she is coming out of a pic-a-nic basket. Once again, I envy Boo Boo.

I started t draw myself into the picture as well as her. Here I am as Captain Kirk while she's an alien princess of some sort. Gene Roddenberry would be nauseated...... I mean, proud.

Sometimes she would inject French into her letters. I assumed she was just tri-lingual (Russian, English, and French). I definitely know now that that's not the case. Nonetheless, here I drew us getting romantic in Paris. Pepe le Pew's head's too small (plus a lot of other ghastly mistakes). Le shucks!

Once again, I incorporated her Russian-ness into this drawing. Here we are reenacting a scene from the 007 flick The Spy Who Loved Me. Tonya (well, the girl in all these pictures) is easily the equal of Barbara Bach don't you think? And am I equally as handsome as Roger Moore? (Don't answer that).

Continuing with the bear cub theme, here's Tonya getting a hug from Winnie the Pooh. Yes, Pooh is poking her in the boob with his thumb. Whoops! Oh well, I envy Pooh right now too.

To help her better anticipate her arrival to Canada to see me, I drew this picture of us greeting each other at the air port. Aint we the nice couple?

I was getting bolder with the anatomy here. Yes, you have now seen my naked bum. FINALLY, something worth bragging to your friends about.

Besides "bear cub", another pet name she had for me was "kitten". So, here she is with a kitten. Yay!

In one of the letters I sent her, I posted the lyrics to the song Everyone Says I Love You and dedicated them to her. She asked me if I wrote that song myself. I told her that it came from a Marx Brothers movie. So here she is with Groucho and Harpo. Not too proud of this one. Meh.

I drew her in a classic Bridgette Bardot pose. Sacre` bleu!!!

HELLO!!!! Y'know, that fact that I got to make this drawing and possibly even freak some people out with it makes this whole experience entirely worth it.

Here she is as the super sexy Betty Boop along with the not nearly as sexy Bimbo.

Here I depicted her as Tinkerbell. I messed up my hand a bit, but other than that it's not too bad.

In one letter she expressed a desire for us to share a bubble bath together. Here we are doing just that. MMMMMMM, wet and soapy! That's the way to be.

Here I combined both of our pet names. She's an angel hugging a bear cub. Even though I know it's all fake and we ended our communication already, this picture still makes me tingle all over just a bit.

I really messed up on her face this time. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! Also, the unicorn looks like an angry mutant. Double Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Here we are resting peacefully in bed together. Aint we cozy?

Now we're taking the places of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd in What's Opera, Doc? Noone killed any "wabbits" in the making of this drawing.

Now I'm applying sun tan lotion to her bare back. You know life is great when you're doing that.

In one her letters, she mentioned that she loves to skate. I have no skating ability whatsoever but nevertheless here we are as figure skating partners. So, needless to say, if we were in that position in real life, things would end very badly.

Here we're re-enacting the "wedding" scene in West Side Story. This melted her heart just as much as the bridal gown picture did. (Or so she said in a letter anyway).

Me Tarzan. Her Jane.

I had caught a cold around this time so I depicted her as a nurse looking after me. I find the whole picture awkwardly off balance somehow.

I had given her my phone number. So, at around this time she actually gave me a call. She did have a sweet voice (although there's at least a 99% chance it was NOT the girl in these photos). But, whichever, I commemorated this occasion with this drawing. I think it turned out well.

Here we are taking a nice brisk walk together as a couple.

I depicted us here as the American Tail mice. I'm Fievel of course. There we are looking up at the moon and thinking of each other. Aw, how sad.

Here I drew her to resemble Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She liked this picture but I find it clumsy and awful in several places. I only put it up here to be complete.

Our heads are too big in this one. So what?

Here we are a cute widdle kittens snuggling with each other. Awwww, aint dat squishy??!!

Another visit to Jellystone Park. I don't think the ranger likes this.

She was definitely well aware that I was a practising artist. So, I drew her here as a nude model and there I am rendering her. To make her feel at ease, I'm naked too (although I don't think it works with other females. Hmmmmm)

Here she is carrying me over the threshhold. Hooray!

I've got to explain this one. When the Money Gram "didn't work out", I suggested a wire transfer through a bank. I found out that in order for it to work, I'd need her bank's address, her street address, as well as an IBAM number (whatever that is). I figured I had her this time. But, she came back with a lie about how she doesn't have a bank account (despite telling me in a previous letter that she had 400 rubles IN THE BANK). But, later on, she gave me the information to her girlfriend's bank account so that I could do the transaction there. She even gave me a fast approaching deadline to meet. If I didn't make it, airline fares would go up in price. But, a banker suggested that instead I just buy the plane tickets for her rather than send her money, but then return them and get my money back when she gets mad. But, a travel agent told me that I wouldn't be able to return flight tickets in this circumstance. By this time, I had missed the deadline Tonya gave me and she was upset. So, that's her crying about not being able to board the plane at that time.

This is how I imagined us meeting at Christmas. She'd send herself to me in a package. Then I'd open it up on Christmas morning and be the happiest man alive. If only real life were like that.

This one is a part of the whole 'angel' motif. Charlie's Angels. Get it? Nevermind.

She phoned again so I drew this one up to celebrate. Unfortunately, that conversation we had left her unsatisfied. Well, she did call when I was having supper AND watching a movie thus interrupting two things at the same time. There's no way she could have known but, yeah that's a bad time to call anyone.

Okay. She was really applying some pressure to send some money. Christmas was approaching fast and she wanted to be with me before then. So, now it was my turn to do some lying. I told her that some scumbag had hacked into my bank account and stole everything and that it would take me quite a bit of time to build up my account again. Therefore, any travel plans would have to wait. That bought me quite a bit of time. But sadly, not enough. Anyway, I drew that picture above out of fake anger.

Here she is on Santa's knee. I screwed up the face again.

Now she's a Christmas tree angel.

What red blooded male wouldn't want THIS in their stocking?

Since we were both feeling depressed about not having enough money, I drew up a solution. She should try to win a lottery. How much does 1,000,000,000 rubles calculate into Canadian dollars?

Or, if playing the lottery fails, Mighty Mouse will save the day. He'll get Tonya out of the clutches of a poorly drawn Oil Can Harry.
Here we are relaxing in bed together again. What a peaceful sight.

I think at this point she asked me for my mother's phone number. This is how I imagined her talking to my mom. More girls should answer the phone this way (although some girls DEFINITELY should NOT).

Now we're making out on a moonlit beach. Life is wonderful.

Here we are building a snowman together. The fun never stops with us.

I'm giving the lovely and beautiful Tonya a foot massage because she's had a busy day. We're both in our gitch because.............. why not?

For Christmas I got a big Monty Python box set. So, here's Tonya as the Minister of Silly Walks......................................... lemon curry?

I was feeling creatively bankrupt on that day, so I just hammered out a portrait. She appreciated that all the same.

This would have been a great way for us to enter 2010. I think I just watched some episode marathon on TV or something.

Have you seen the cartoon Katnip Kollege? Well, I drew us as the 2 lead cats in that cartoon.

This was another attempt to melt her heart. Here she is with our first baby together. I was so unhappy with the way I drew myself her that I simply just cropped myself out. Oh well, that's a cute baby anyway.

She flies to me like an angel as I sleep. It's all done with magic.

If she was for real, this whole thing would be a Cinderella story for her. Except she had no bitchy stepsisters and I aint no prince. Also, if she drove up to my place in a pumpkin coach, she'd have seeds stuck to her butt which is never attractive.

Now she's the good fairy who made Pinocchio a real boy, similar to how she almost made me a 'real man'. (That was pure cheese)

I drew this to "illustrate" how she is in my thoughts while I'm at work. There's a lot of dead space in this picture because it wasn't composed too carefully. Oh well, at least the main point is well understood which is the most important thing.

Once again I drew her as an angel. This time she is carrying me off to paradise. Oh, hey look!! Mr. Johnson has made an appearance (and I don't mean LBJ).

Now we're both naked fairies. Why can't that be the reality? That would be so much better than actual reality (but then again, most things are).

She looks like a cross-eyed Angelina Jolie of a princess here, but she is a princess nonetheless.

Yes, I would fight a giant hulking ogre for her. But I won't send her $1400. That sounds about right.

Here she is giving her love to a bear cub which of course represents me. Lucky bear.

I was in a Speedy Gonzales mood at this time. So, I drew her as one of Speedy's many many conquests. I wonder who's "seester" she is? By the way, her response to this drawing was "I'm afraid of mice".

I don't know why it took me so long to draw this one. Here she is as Jessica Rabbit. I think Roger came out pretty well. I forgot the whiskers though.

If you manage to ignore the hideous way I drew Tonya's feet, you'll see what a romantic home alone with us would be like. We'd make out endlessly as some silly show blares on the TV.

It was the dead of winter and I was having trouble with the heat in my apartment. So, I imagined what we'd be doing to keep each other warm. You have to admit, that does look cozy.

Now she's I Dream of Jeanie. Don't ask me why I'm naked in this picture because I don't remember.

I thought it would be fun to put her image on the cover of one of those "porn for women" type of novels they sell in grocery stores. Don't they make a schmaltzy couple? No, the guy is not me (sadly).

This is Tonya as a little Russian baby. In case you can't tell, her rattle is supposed to look like one of those Russian cathedral roof top type of things that I swear are designed to make me think there's chocolate inside of them.

She was starting to get rather anxious waiting for me to finally have enough money to send to her (tee hee). So, I drew myself being downloaded through my modem, propelled through cyberspace, and ending up crawling out of Tonya's computer in that internet cafe. Something like this would make life so much easier.

This is another attractive alternative to buying plane tickets. If she was a witch, she could fly over on her broom. But then again, aren't they all witches inside?
*knock knock*
Wait a minute, someone's at my door.
*clomp clomp clomp*
Hey, an angry feminist group. What are you doing here?
*clomp clomp clomp*
Geez, was that necessary?

AAAAAAWWWWW! A romantic bike ride. Cue the Burt Bacharach music.

She informed me that she attempted to phone me again. I must have been out somewhere or something. Oh well, I once again depicted her on the phone with me.

Once again we're in bed together. Here she is listening to the beating of my heart. What a nice image.

I thought putting her in a kissing booth was a fun and harmless idea. But, she absolutely hated this one. She was actually deeply offended by this image. I tried to make it up to her next time.

She objected to selling her affection for money. So, I thought drawing us expressing free love would appease her. She was offended by this one too. She never said why though. Meh, sometimes you just can't win.

Now I drew her as Princess Anastasia stepping on Rasputin's head. She asked why I drew her as a princess when she's an ordinary girl. I informed her that because these are just drawings that I can do whatever I want.

To "illustrate" the point I made, I drew her in space with George Jetson. She's never been in outer space (not that I know of) but there she is in black & white flying in a spaceship. I made my point quite succinctly I believe.

Now I'm serenading her. In real life, that is NOT a good idea.

At this point, she was starting to get very suspicious that I had no intention of sending money and was simply leading her on. So, I thought I'd distract her with the little romantic diversion you see above. She did like the drawing, but she was still suspicious.

Her response to this picture was "you have a very rough imagination". Thank you. Yes I do.

This is where my drawings for her stop because I finally let the cat out of the bag as the expression goes. The reason I let this go on for as long as I did is because I had one more thing to try that I hoped would finally reveal Tonya's true identity. I ordered a program called Email Tracker Pro. It promised to not only reveal the email sender's location but also show how this individual was covering his/her tracks. I ordered it from a place called Visualware Inc. located in Guildford, England. I ordered it as a download, but it didn't work. So, he very graciously sent me a copy through the mail. The program still didn't work because we
both realized too late that it was only formatted for PCs and I have a Mac. Upon this realization, Visualware gave me a full refund. I must say, that was mighty nice of them, or as they say in their country, that was cricket, eh what govna!!! I recommend that people go to them for any software needs they have. They're good people.
Although, the software wasn't entirely useless to me. I took it to work and used it there because they use PC computers. One of her emails that I traced said she was in San Francisco. However, another email I traced lead to Houston, Texas. But, in both cases, thefinal location simply said "private". So, whatever this scammer (or scammers) was using to hide their identity, it was working very very well. So, that's when figured that was as much as I could do at that point and just ended things between me and Tonya. Here's the last email I sent to her:

If you haven't tried that phone number I gave you yet, don't bother. It's the number for Luigi's Pasta House. I worked there for 6 days back in the 1990's. It was one of the worst jobs I ever had. I figured they deserved some confusion. If you want to order a plate of spaghetti and try to have it delivered to you, go ahead and call that number, but you definitely won't find my mother there.

Yes, I've known that you've been a scammer for quite a while. All the evidence I've gathered points to it. Someone who's an expert at spotting scams told me that "if the girl you are talking to won't let you visit her in her country, that's all the proof you need". I never did trust that "family tradition" of yours. My mother has travelled to the Ukraine and she never heard of that tradition anywhere. Speaking of my mother, that's why I didn't give you her phone number. I didn't want her getting mixed up in all of this. I did tell her about us in the hopes that she could locate someone with phone tracing equipment and then we could find you that way. But, she didn't know anybody. She just told me that I should walk away from you. But, when I told her that you wanted her phone number, she said to me "sure, give her my number so that I can tell her right off". So, if I did give you my mother's number, you wouldn't have liked it anyway.

Why would I need to track you? Well, the address you gave me doesn't exist. There is no Papanina street in Cheboksary or Lapsary. You keep saying that you contact me from an internet cafe in Cheboksary. Well, I've been checking the IP addresses of every email you send me (well, every email since I became suspicious). And, y'know what? The location indicated is nowhere near Cheboksary. It's usually some remote city in the United States. Although, every once in a while, the location indicates that it's from Yoshkar-Ola. (I'm suspecting that's where you are). Either you do lots of travelling just to send emails, or you're covering your tracks somehow. The reason I even communicated with you this long is because I had ordered a software program that promised to track any email at any source no matter what is being used to conceal the email's true location. I used that program and found that your last email to me came from San Francisco. However, I also analysed another email you sent before that one and it came from Houston Texas. But, in both those findings, the starting point of each of those emails said "private". Whatever you're using to conceal your identity, it works very very good.

The pictures you sent me are stolen of course. I know they can't be pictures of you because whenever I requested more, you always declined to do so. Obviously, you had a finite supply of pictures from a girl you don't even know.

Okay, since I've caught on to a few of your lies, I'll let you in on a few of mine. 1. Nobody hacked into my bank account. That was just an excuse not to send you money. It certainly bought me a lot of time with you, you have to agree. 2. My mom didn't have a car accident before Christmas. Again, that was just another reason not to send money to you.

If you're thinking that all the lovey-dovey talk about your beauty, intelligence and whatever else was a lie, no it was not. I meant every compliment I gave. However, I was addressing one Tonya Suricova, that character you created that was supposedly deep in love with me and NOT whoever the hell you are.

You said in your last letter that you were considering ending our "relations"? I suggest we do that. I know you're a phoney, you know I'm a phoney, I see no need to proceed any longer. Despite what you might be thinking, I'm not bitter or angry about this experience. I consider it just like any real relationship that doesn't work out. It was fun while it lasted, but in the end neither of us got what we wanted. You didn't get your money and I didn't get my smokin' hot Russian girlfriend.

Maybe that's for the best. You know all that talk about me feeling lonely? That stuff is also true. However, I don't feel lonely enough to actually be with people, if that makes any sense.

Before I end this letter, I must say that you do indeed write very well. I know most of the text was ghost written by some Russian Mafia goon or something, but you did a pretty good job of weaving in other words to make them seem like genuine letters. You do have a nice flair for writing. I suggest you forget about this Russian bride scam racket and write your own novel. I think you will do well in that business. Either write a novel or a movie screenplay. Hey, with my drawing skills and your writing skills maybe we could collaborate on creating a graphic novel someday. They're quite popular these days. Who knows what the future may bring.

Whatever happens, I wish the best of luck to you in your future endeavours. I hope we can meet under better circumstances someday. But, for now I'll just say farewell and thank you. You made an old man feel very happy and even attractive for a brief but wonderful period of time.

Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen


I thought it would be nice to end on a friendly note rather than a mean-spirited one. This way, the bastard doesn't know how to react. I did not get a response to this email at all.
Below are two illustrations that I didn't show to Tonya. The one immediately below I feel is an accurate representation of the entire ordeal. There's that sleazy sinister-looking creep using this girl's image like a puppet and then there's me, just a dunce with a boner. Of course, "dunce with a boner" is a pretty apt description of every single male that is, has been, and will be on the planet. Am I right ladies?
Since this bolshoi babe failed to trick me into actually sending her money (but instead received a stream of annoying drawing as well as (I'm assuming) a splitting headache) the next picture down is dear sweet Tonya with egg on her face. Point and laugh everyone.

Okay, now that the truth has been revealed, let's go over the list of those who are most likely feeling the biggest amount of shame right now.

1. Me, obviously, for actually falling for such a transparent ruse.
2. Those who know me, for being associated with someone who would fall for such a transparent ruse.
3. The scammer, for wasting 7 months of internet time buttering me up with cheap insincere flattery and getting nothing for his/her efforts.
4. The girl in these photos. What do you think she'll do if she came to this blog and saw her image pasted all over this post as well as seeing her likeness in those drawings I did inwhich she is in all sorts of weird scenarios as well as many states of undress? She'd probably die.
5. All the Russian leaders since the Soviet Union fell, those being Boris Yeltsin, Viktor Chernomyrdin, Vladimir Putin, and Dmitry Medvedev. For you see, it is because the Russian economy is in such a shambles that too many of it's population see the need to use sleazy methods of acquiring money from more stable countries. This fact definitely reflects upon the leadership skills of those men. If the Russian people want to pull themselves out of this rut, it is currently up to Medvedev to find a way to do it. Come on, Dmitry, show us what you're made of.
6. Society in general. A basic continuation of #5. If too many people anywhere on the planet are stooping to these levels in a desperate attempt to make "easy money", then our civilization needs an overhaul immediately.

It just goes to show you, when you try to scam somebody on the internet or anywhere else, everyone loses. Remember that.
One neat thing I did learn from this experience is BAITING ONLINE SCAMMERS IS
FUN!!! When it first dawned on me that the person emailing me was a fake and not someone in love with me, it didn't feel good. My arms went numb and I felt like throwing up. But, that only lasted an hour or two. Then I started answering her emails with a new attitude. It felt great when I could tell that she didn't know that I knew. From that point on, it put me right in the driver's seat. We were like two sparring partners, dancing around the ring, trying to fake each other out with our technique. That is a rush I have never felt before. I can see why some people do this as a hobby. Best of all, it provides a service. It's a bit like being a beachcomber. You scoop up and haul away the debris to make it safer for everyone.
Of course, if I wanted to do this scammer baiting again, I'd want some more sophisticated equipment first, at least a copy of Email Tracker Pro for Macs. That way I can know exactly who and/or what I'm dealing with so that I can better plan how I can have fun with this person. I'd love to be able to deal with scammers like the guy in the video below. In lieu of any special equipment, he does it with STYLE:

Bilko-The Con Men part 1
Uploaded by Daffyduckandthedinosaur. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Bilko-The Con Men part 2
Uploaded by Daffyduckandthedinosaur. - Check out other Film & TV videos.

Before I end this post, I'd just like to ask one thing. Does anyone know who the girl in these
pictures is? She looks like a fun and vibrant person. I'm just
asking out of curiosity sake. I'm not in any serious pursuit of her at all. Hell, she could be involved, married, or even dead for all I know. It would just be nice to have absolute closure on this chapter, that's all. And, who knows how she'd feel about me anyway. Let's just say that if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, I'm from Alpha Centaury.

One thing's for sure, I won't forget this experience anytime soon. And, there will always be a part of me that still loves her.

Farewell, Tonya, wherever you are.


  1. sorry your internet romance ended in tragedy. but it was real while it lasted, dont ya think? plus you got a hell of a lot of cartooning out of it! the other day i googled "russian lady" or something along those lines because i wanted to know how to say "lady" in russian, and the search results were all russian dating sites -to my surprise. i spent some time on this one. and its loaded with beautiful woman. its a pay site - but there is some security there, that you wont get scammed. i still think the internet is a great way to meet people, so keep at it. btw your posts are fantastic. cheers.

  2. Thanks, Debby. Although I have heard some not nice things about Elenas Models. I think. I might be thinking of another site. Oh well, whoever this girl in the photographs is (wherever she is) I hope she's doing fine.