Pastors say the cutest things

Recently, I had a friend of mine contact a Pastor Sean Bonitto of the International Deliverance Ministries and ask him about my little book Jesus Needs Help. Here's what he said:

Hello John Baker. Greetings in the mighty name of the Lord Jesus Christ. I want to thank you for contacting International Deliverance Ministries. While I have not read "Jesus Needs Help", I have read a review of the book, and from the review the book does not promote the gospel at all, but is a form of blasphemy against the Lord Jesus Christ by adding "foolish talking...jesting..." (Ephesians 5:4) to the biblical gospel account through false events such as monkey's talking to the Lord Jesus Christ. The main message seems to promote a secular new age anti christ agenda of tolerance, compromise and sin that shall make many " turn away their ears from the truth, and..." turning them "...unto fables"(2Timothy 4:4), and not to sound Biblical truth of genuine repentance of sin, and faith alone in the Lord Jesus Christ in order for one to escape an eternity in hell(Luke 13:3;John 3:16).

Mr. Germain's blog doubts that the rapture may not even occur, which is a sound Bible doctrine that is certain to happen (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18), and he also curses, and uses and promotes ungoldy secular music without giving an rebuke or warning concerning the ungoldy artists, or reproof in regards to the ungodly music(Ephesians 5:11;1 John 2:15-17).

I would like to read the book to have a better understanding of what is being said. However, if the review is any indication, it is wise to obey the command of the Holy Ghost by the Apostle that says, " Abstain from all appearance of evil"(1Thessalonians 5:22), and not to be influenced by its ungodly teachings.

God Bless(John 3:16).

Pastor Sean Bonitto

You know something, he's absolutely right. I can't argue with a man who speaks the truth. There's no point. Actually, I am so impressed with the sound wisdom of this letter that I will go through it bit by bit and elucidate on just how much level-headed brilliance there is.

Like this part here: the book does not promote the gospel at all, but is a form of blasphemy against the Lord Jesus Christ by adding "foolish talking...jesting..." (Ephesians 5:4) to the biblical gospel account through false events such as monkey's talking to the Lord Jesus Christ.

The text in Ephesians 5:4 is "Nor is it fitting for you to use language which is obscene, profane, or vulgar. Rather you should give thanks to God."

Yes, absolutely. I've always said that there should be one book, one committee, or one religion who should establish what is to be profane and vulgar to everyone. Pastor Sean is just that man to do that. From now on, I will definitely

use speech that falls within his guidelines of what is acceptable, even if they change constantly based on whatever mood he's in. Everyone else should do that too. Come on, it'll be fun. It'll be a big game of Simon{Sean} Says that never ends and noone ever wins. Also, he's right about another thing. I should never have just made up a story about Jesus talking to monkeys. How absurd. Everyone knows that everything written in the Bible is flawless and accurate account of what actually happened. God himself zapped the contents of the Bible directly into the each printing of the book exactly the same way he zaps Jesus' face on our toast. I shouldn't have messed with that. Besides, Jesus talking to monkeys sounds way too close to the theory of evolution to me. That's probably the biggest sin of all.

Here's the next bit of wisdom: The main message seems to promote a secular new age anti christ agenda of tolerance, compromise and sin that shall make many "turn away their ears from the truth, and..." turning them "...unto fables"(2Timothy 4:4)

Bravo, sir. 2Timothy 4:4 states, "They will turn away from listening to the truth and give their attention to legends". Darn that pesky agenda of mine. How could I promote tolerance like that. Could you imagine a world where we actually tolerated each other? ICK! What a nightmare that would be. And compromise??!! Yeesh! Next thing you know, we'll be plagued with peace, love and understanding. And, as Elvis Costello said at an earlier time, there's nothing funny about that.

I should also apologize to the good pastor for my gratuitous secular new age anti-Christ agenda. Everyone has seen all my tribute posts to the Son of Sam all through this blog and elsewhere. It was wrong of me to do so and I'll never do it again.

Keep slicin', buddy.

OK OK! That was the last one! I swear!

Pastor Bonitto is also right about fictitious stories turning everyone away from biblical stories. I always considered George Lucas to be evil the way he had his Star Wars saga take place about 4000 years before the existence of man on Earth. Until Mr. Lucas includes something about Adam and Eve's offspring being Cain, Abel, Anakin Skywalker, Padme`, Wookies, Ewoks, Jawas, Gungans, and Huts, I say we denounce the Star Wars franchise as the blasphemous pack of lies that it is. The ball's in your court Mr. Lucas. Fix your saga or go to Hell.

Here's another inspired nugget of intelligence: Mr. Germain's blog doubts that the rapture may not even occur, which is a sound Bible doctrine that is certain to happen (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)

Yes! Yes! And double yes!! If that's what it says in Thessalonians, then it must be true. There may be no need to look to other sources for that. Although, I do believe a similar depiction of the coming rapture was mentioned by one Debbie Harry some 30 odd years ago.

Thessalonians and Saint Debbie are right. The impending rapture will involve Martians landing on Earth and eating our brains which will turn us all into Martians and we will all spend the rest of eternity going on a car eating rampage. It's a fact.

How do I know this is true? Well, blind faith of course. That contains all the information you need to know about anything in this world. Whenever Mr. Magoo sees a Danger sign that he reads as "Doctor's Office", it's his blind faith that leads him to know that it really does say "Doctor's Office". And, of course, I believe it too because of my faith. I also believe that any steel beams that fall on Mr. Magoo are the doctor's radical new physiotherapy techniques just like Magoo does. According to my faith, what else could they be? See, faith is all you need. Anything beyond that is just blasphemous heresy.

Uh Oh! I finally found something in the Pastor's near perfect letter with which I STRONGLY disagree: I would like to read the book to have a better understanding of what is being said.

No! No! NO!!! Aw, you were doing so well, Pastor. But then you had to spew this junk. You don't have to actually read a book to know if the contents inside are offensive or not. Like I said in the last paragraph, all you need is faith.

If you have faith that the book above is chock full of sin, decadence, and big sloppy orgies, then that is exactly what is in that book. That is more than enough evidence to condemn any pieces of literature or art for that matter. Actually reading a book is taking a big step away from blind faith and into devil-serving heresy. Resist the temptation sir. Do not give in to the seductive siren song of that demon owl.

PRAISE THE LORD!!! HALLELUJAH!!! THE PASTOR DID REDEEM HIMSELF: However, if the review is any indication, it is wise to obey the command of the Holy Ghost by the Apostle that says, " Abstain from all appearance of evil"(1Thessalonians 5:22), and not to be influenced by its ungodly teachings.

Exactly! See, your blind faith answers everything. It is as divinely perfect as God Himself. You don't have to waste your time reading books or gathering evidence of any kind. Just rely on blind faith and you'll have the answer every time. That's what made Salem, Massachusetts in 1692 such a party town. By pronouncing all those guilty verdicts with little or no evidence, they got a lot more done in a short period of time. We should all take a lesson from them.

I like the way Pastor Bonitto talks. the way he backs up every single point he makes with a Bible verse, sounds a lot like this monkey of mine:

A monkey a have new found respect for by the way. Here's my rendering of the good pastor and my monkey in action. I think they look good together, don't you?

Oh, by the way, that friend of mine who contacted the Pastor, he has a book on sale too. It's called God, Yes! Hell, No!

In his book, he asserts that there is indeed a God that is in control of this universe but that there is no Satan and no Hell. He even uses a lot of Biblical references to show that Christian (and Jewish) doctrine seem to agree with him. It's quite an interesting read. He almost makes Moses sound like Charles Manson in some spots (or at least some kind of an unstable cult leader anyway). You can look for his book in stores like Chapters or you can buy it on Amazon right here. And, of course, while you're doing some online shopping, feel free to pick up a copy of my Jesus Needs Help book as well. You don't have to read them because that would be evil of course. Just buy them. You'll be glad you did.